Feature: How to pick up women and do sex: PUA tips from the game(s, of the video variety)

I was always extremely confused by Pick Up Artists and The Game as it had been explained to me, because rocking up in a bar and acting like a smarmy dickhead in a stupid hat, like you’d taken cocaine but without the marginal cool factor of knowing anyone who could get you coke or even where to begin, only worked in the 90s before literally everyone had heard of what negging is. But then I realised it was just a case of crossed wires: it wasn’t ‘game’ it was ‘games’. Video games! And now we’re talking my language. So, now that I’m armed with a flimsy article premise just in time for Valentine’s Day, let’s see how successful the PUA technique is when we view it through the lens of what games have taught us about romance.

The Opener

If there’s one thing I know women like – based on what I read about us from opinion pieces by men because, as a woman, I am in no position to know what women like unless an American who lives with his mother has written an article about it first – it’s being approached without warning on a street by a stranger, so your opening line is key. Our model here is The Witcher himself, Geralt of Rivia: women want him, men want to be him (even if I personally don’t get it). Like any seasoned PUA, Geralt is able to adjust his approach as the situation demands it, with openers ranging from the smooth ‘My medallion vibrates when you’re nearby, and it only vibrates near magic or danger,’ (note: you will need to source a medallion to use this one) to the extremely direct ‘I like the way you smell,’ and it always seems to work for him. Take a leaf out of Geralt’s book by delivering killer lines and/or becoming a beast-slaying warrior with a cool ponytail.

Kino Escalation

Kino translates to touching, because women also like unexpected invasion of their personal space. In this case, Will Wright’s coterie of burbling mannequins sometimes called The Sims demonstrates the virtue of persistence. What we know from them is that once you’ve navigated only a small part of the nightmare maze of small talk, the object of your desires should let you hug them. At this point you don’t need to talk to her anymore, so just keep hugging her repeatedly; chain hug her, as the man who sits at your local Wetherspoons’ at 9.30 am with a pint chain smoked limp rollies at the bar in the good old days before Auntie got indoor fags banned. 

Ideally you want to avoid this, which only comes from having a meaningful relationship.

Throw in the more intimate hugs where you sway on the spot so you know it’s intense. Imagine the little bright green double plus symbol floating up from her head. By gradually wearing her down with hugs for, like, an hour you’ll breach the hug event horizon, past which she’ll allow you to make out with her, and then you’re basically on your way. I have no evidence to suggest any of this would make anyone uncomfortable in real life.

Assumption Building

From context clues this seems to mean being rude, possibly with the intention that you are so rude that the woman starts to think you must be fabulously intelligent, in the same way that people still enjoy the TV Sherlock Holmes and other Sherlock Holmes knock offs even though they make no distinction between being very smart and behaving like a massive prick to people. Initially this seemed to run contrary to what we have learnt from games (e.g. insert correct dialogue option, receive friendship) until I remembered Dragon Age II (how could I forget?). In Dragon Age II you can build relationships with companions by either getting them to like you, or getting them to dislike you to the point that they’re so angry with you that they actually sort of love you. This is called Rivalry in the game. So just generally disagree with whatever your chosen paramore says or does, and if you ask their advice do exactly the opposite, until they want to fuck you out of spite just to teach you a fucking lesson, or something.

Sexual Dialing

This is very important because you don’t want to put a lot of work into building a connection with someone if you’re not going to get a shag out of it; you might accidentally make a friend (I will pause here to give you time to both recoil in horror at the notion of being friends with a member of the opposite gender, and then laugh in a carefree yet hearty manner because, as we all know, men and women can’t actually be friends as there will always be sexual tension bubbling beneath the surface like an erotic pot of vegetable stew – no, wait, meat stew). You have to teach the woman to think of you as a sexual prospect, which classically means flirting, the correct dialogue choice being highlighted in red or with a big pink heart or something, and giving her lots of presents.

Mass Effect 3 Screenshots
“I don’t normally like Asari, but you’re kinda hot, I guess.” – Classic Krogan neg.

Of course, if you’ve done all the steps so far then you should be in the position where she propositions you, à la Mass Effect, by asking if you want to be in a relationship – note that if you’ve developed several prospects, you may have to choose between them. Now, of course, you don’t want to be in an actual relationship; the whole idea is to just close the deal so you can get out of there as quickly as possible, because a relationship might result in some self reflection and Christ knows none of us are prepared for you to do that. To head that off at the pass, try and orchestrate a life or death suicide mission to save the galaxy taking place the very next day. She’ll be more likely to cast caution to the winds for one last night together, and if you survive the aforesaid suicide run you can just say, ‘It was a really crazy time for everyone, babe,’ and then leave because you ‘have some thinking to do’ thus side-stepping any possible emotional fallout.

The Score

When it comes to actually having sex, video games have given us many options. You could staunchly remain under your duvet the entire time, turning the bed into a gross sweatbox and occasionally making barking noises like a confused terrier; you could dramatically sweep things off a desk to make room for the breadth and depth of your passion; you could pull over to the side of the road on a secluded (ish) street and bounce your car up and down on its suspension for a bit. They’re all sterling choices, I’m sure you’ll agree. But the key point is this: you must never actually do anything explicit, just heavily imply that you have and cut away at the last moment. This is fine, because it will remind her of most of her teenage relationships anyway.

Treating People Like They Have As Rich And Deep An Internal Life As You Do Yourself, And Just Fucking Talking To Them Like A Human Being

Sounds fake. Source?

Congratulations, you are now a sexpert. Thanks, video games!

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